


the only thing I ever knew is that I never know

by Labirinth



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Multi, Pining, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, i'll add more later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 07:45:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14786363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Labirinth/pseuds/Labirinth
Summary: "You're weird." Even says, smirking a little."Gee, thanks." Isak answers, rolling his eyes.Even carries on."But also kind of hot." He steps closer. "I like it."Apparently, they have little in common: Isak's an introvert, but he's a genius at school. His social life almost doesn't exist, but online he has hundreds os friends; Even is the new trasferred, handsome, popular. His grades are not that great, but he has admirable social skills.They meet and everything changes.





	the only thing I ever knew is that I never know

**Author's Note:**

> Hey fam, here's what you need to know:  
> -I dont know what im doing im not a native english speaker and i dont have a beta bc i dont want to bother people so there bound to be mistakes, im sorry;  
> -I know nothing abt Norway so maybe there'll be inaccuracies, but maybe not that much;  
> -That's it I guess

_**DON'T BE FOOLED BY YOUR EMPTINESS, THERE'S SO MUCH ROOM FOR HAPPINESS''** _

 

Isak posts that quote and in ten minutes has fifty likes. Magnus liked it, Mahdi liked it, Sara liked it, Emma comments with a little heart. Isak thinks that people always tend to like more these quotes that comes with a random picture attached to it. It's the aesthetic. Put some nice picture there and people don't even bother to read the quote. They like it just because it's a nice looking post. 

That's life online, and he is content in it. Online, he is happy. Online, he's more good looking. The lighting is nice. The angle is right. The filters. His hair is not a mess. He can't complain. Knows that is the only place where he can pretend he's a perfectly normal teenager. And he has a few thousands of friends, fans, followers. That's what all kids in high school care about, right? Being popular, being liked. 

Isak picks up his phone, turns the camera to selfie mode, checks the angle, his hair, the light. His dog is under the bed, already used to pose for pictures with it's owner. Sometimes Isak wonders if his selfies are so popular because of him or the dog. He doesn't dwell on it to much though, cause that's a bit of a depressing thought. Anyway, today he's not very happy with what he sees on the screen.  

"Sorry, Lea, no pic today.'' 

Lea just yawns and goes back to taking a nap.

Oh, Isak feels fake. He can bullshit people online, but not himself. In the real world, life is not like that. In real life, he's not so good looking. In real life, he is not at all popular. In real life, he has like, two friends. And they're not even his friends all that much, they're more like Jonas' friends. Jonas, whom moved to Bergen to live with his dad and left Isak to brave high school alone. Don't get him wrong, Mahdi and Magnus are great, but Isak never felt that close to them, Jonas was the one thing they had in common and now that he's gone he just feels kind of awkward around them. 

That's why he spends so much time in his social media. Because it's full of people who don't know him. Don't know what kind of awkward looking mess he truly is. He can exchange memes ad funny conversations with strangers when in real life no one thinks he's _that_ funny. Online, he's better, more interesting. 

He has twenty notifications, half of them are from people inviting him to parties, to spend the whole weekend in their houses, to go to the beach. Again, these are invitations from his online friends, that don't go to school with him, that live too far away from where he himself lives, so can't manage to go. And even if that wasn't the case, his parents would never let him anyway. 

''Can I go to Bergen this weekend?'' He takes a chance while having dinner with his parents at the table, swallowing a gulp of water to push down the nerves. 

His father looks up. "What do you want to do in Bergen? Don't you have exams this week?" 

''Yes, and my last one is thursday, so then i'm free. It's just some friends, just for the weekend, I'll be back sunday afternoon...'' 

"The whole weekend? In Bergen? You're not planning on see that boy, are you? I bet he's the one who gave you that idea. I mean, if not him then who? Do we know these other 'friends' of yours? What kind of people spend so much time partying? When they have time for God? And how you'll go to church with me on sunday? You have to ask for forgiveness for your sins, Isak. No friend will do that for you." 

Isak sighs. His mom's getting more and more paranoid each passing day.

''Mamma...'' 

''I agree with your mom, you shouldn't spend the whole weekend with friends we know nothing about.'' His dad says. ''Who knows what they do in these parties, I've heard teenagers do all kinds of promiscuous stuff these days. I don't want you near people like that.'' 

''Why don't you spend some time with David. He is a good kid and he's always asking for you and you always say you're busy...'' 

Isak suppresses the urge to roll his eyes. 

David is the kid next door and he's _twelve_. Isak wonders what on earth his parents think that him, a seventeen year old boy could possibly have in common with a a kid who still rides a bike covered in superman stickers. He also wonders if his parents subcounsciously wanted him to never grow out of that phase. If they wanted him to always be a little boy with skinned knee and a love for superheros. A boy who gets along with the other boys and who likes to talk about dating pretty girls. 

Isak was never that kind of boy. 

He thinks that maybe he's a disappointment. When a baby borns and the doctor says, "It's a boy," isn't that what parents expect them to be? A normal boy, with bruised knees, a lot of friends, an interest for girls? Isak wants to argue once again that he's no kid, he grew up a long time ago - he is a boy, but he's no longer a child. But if he does that his parents will be even more against him going to Bergen. They will tell him to find friends his own age, preferably in this city. 

He used to go to Bergen on vacation, on holidays. He used to visit Jonas and spend weeks in his house, playing video games and soccer and watching Tv and just chilling. Granted, sometimes his mother went along, but she always stayed with relatives and allowed Isak to stay in Jonas house. That was until she caught them smoking weed in Jonas' backyard one day then suddenly Jonas wasn't a good influence for him anymore and he had to stop going altogether. 

''Why don't you just make plans with friends from around here?'' His dad suggests. ''No need to go to another city to have fun.'' 

''I want something different. Everyday is the same. I go to school, meet the same people...'' 

''Did you clean your room, by the way?" His mother interrupts again changing the subject. ''You could do that. Your room is full of dirty clothes and empty pizza boxes.'' 

"Seriously, mamma? Do you want me to spend the weekend cleaning?'' 

"No, of course not." His father replies calmly. "You can go out with your friends from around here...'' He keeps arguing in circles. Isak has no way to escape it. 

He can't even escape the fish on his plate – Isak hates fish. He looks at Lea on the floor by his side. The dog looks away as if to say, "Don't count on me; I don't like fish either." 

What a traitor. 

Back to his room and laptop after dinner, having left the discussion behind, Isak realizes that he feels a certain relief, that's why he didn't insisted on it. 

Contrary to what his mother believes he wasn't going to meet Jonas and he wouldn't know what to do in Bergen without him. If he would have the courage to go out and socialize. Where he would go, if he would like to meet his online friends. Perhaps he'd be disappointed when meeting them. Well no, more likely they'd be disappointed when meeting _him_. He would lose "his gang", "his friends'', even though they are all just faces and posts and words on a screen. 

Better not mess with that.   
 

  **~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

 

 

**' _Little faggot, cocksucker, you like taking it up the ass, don't you?'_**

 

The words follow Isak on his way home. How do they know? Isak is not sure. Of anything. He walks head down, slumped. He tries to make himself almost invisible, but they _see_. He wonders what gives him away. He doesn't dress in a particular way, doesn't wear any kind of makeup, lord knows he doesn't have the guts to even look at a boy for a second too long, but they still know.

It must be something on the way he walks, maybe they can smell the gay on him. 

They throw insults at him and Isak just keeps walking, eyes on the ground. But Elias and his crew conveniently take the same way home as him and they don't lose an opportunity to call him names. He doesn't respond, doesn't want to cause a scene. There's nothing he would like more than punch Elias right in the face but he knows if does that, his mom will know. And that's the last thing he wants. 

As long as it's just words, it's fine. Isak knows it's better to pretend he's not even listening. 

He has earphones on. Music loud, blasting N.W.A. He listens to them when he's trying to feel tough, to project a confidence he doesn't really have. Also because he doesn't want to risk to be caught publicly listening to Jason Mraz. 

And yet...he hears. He reads their lips, he hears the slurs with every pause in a song. It hurts like a slap and he pretends not to care. It's like this almost everyday. 

Isak enters the little convenience store near his house and immediately locks gaze with the guy on the counter. He heard the their screams too. Isak is embarrassed - he doesn't even know the guy's name, but he knows him since he was a child. His dad used to take him there to buy stickers and comic books. Now the guy is witness of what he has become.

A gay teenager who gets bullied on his way home. 

He wills his blush away and makes a beeline to the freezer to get a Coke. 

''Are you okay, kid?'' The guy asks. 

''Hm?'' Isak takes an earbud out and pretends he didn't listen. Not he guy nor the yelling. 

The guy nods his head towards Elias' group, now crossing the street. 

''Are those kids bothering you?'' 

Isak lies a bit more. 

''Oh? No, I'm not even listening.'' 

He pays for the Coke and the guy searches the cash register for his change. Isak's eyes trail to the magazines next to the door. Porn magazines. For women. For men. There's a gay magazine with a buff guy with shiny looking skin on the cover. Isak grimaces, doesn't feel the slightest attraction. In fact, he feels slightly sick. _If that's what gay guys supposed to like, then maybe i'm not that gay,_ he thinks.  

Also, who even buys magazines anymore? Especially, porn magazines? That's what the internet is for. 

The guy (and Isak should really learn his name) gives him his change and Isak quickly looks away from the magazines. 

He's really grateful that he can find porn online, he wouldn't have the balls to look this dude in the eye while buying one of these. He thinks about how it'd be to live without internet, how he'd be stuck with the true version of himself, how completely and utterly isolated he'd feel. 

_Well, in a way I am isolated_ , he thinks. His walls are high, he suppresses everything, no one knows the real him. He's an island. 

But at least in his island he has the Internet where he can be whoever he wants. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> A bit of a lame ending but whatevs  
> I chose to moderate comments bc im a baby and I cant handle criticism ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
